Written by Dr Tim Cantopher Consultant Psychiatrist and adviser to Dr Morton’s – the medical helpline

See Dr Morton’s Reduce anxiety and stress.

I spend much of my working life treating people suffering from stress-related illnesses. The most powerful factor generating such illness is people, either individuals or in organisations. Some people are just so stressful to be with that, unless you have an effective strategy for dealing with them, you will be at risk of becoming ill. If the organisation for which you work is either led by, or has in it several such people, it will become toxic to its employees. The best workers will become ill, while the cynics and strategic players will thrive. Eventually the whole place becomes institutionally dysfunctional and a dangerous place in which to do business.

There are many types of people who make others ill. I won’t go into their types here, but if you are interested, I list them in my book ‘Stress-Related Illness’. The essential point is that if your life is full of these people, dominated by the users and abusers of the world, you need to do something to avoid suffering from a stress-related illness. This may involve working on setting firm boundaries, learning to say ‘no’, becoming more assertive and less compliant. It may involve weeding out your address book. Are your friends really friends? I define a friend as someone who is friendly. If someone only makes demands on you and gives nothing back, they aren’t really a friend. If that is your experience, maybe you would be better off with fewer, real friends. You may be lonely for a while, but in due course people who are able to give back will arrive. The thing is that the users and abusers are very quick and are expert at sniffing out life’s givers. They surround you, excluding the people who have something real to offer you, leaving you feeling that everyone is demanding and exploitative. They aren’t, it’s just that good people hang back a bit and give you choices, so you have either to go looking for them, or to be patient, waiting for them to arrive while giving any applicant for your affections a tough interview before letting them in.

It’s a bit more tricky when the person who makes your life a misery is a member of your family. You don’t want to lose a close relation if it’s avoidable, but you can set boundaries. You are only responsible for trying to do this as well and as kindly as you can, not for their reaction. Somebody who has always assumed the right to bully and use you isn’t going to give you a round of applause for, all of a sudden, standing up to them. But it’s worth it. Seek advice from friends and people who love you if you need to.

Sometimes, the toxic person or organisation who afflicts you just can’t be effectively coped with. Then it’s time to consider whether you can stay there or be around them and stay well. Are you sure you really have to stay in this job, or with this ‘friend’? Think hard before you answer that one; your happiness and your health may depend on your conclusion.